The cold and darkness of midwinter embodied through my “daemon”, part II

For many years, I have struggled with questions such as: “Why do good people do bad things?” and “How can people who follow a loving God commit acts of cruelty?” I will not venture any answers here, for such may require my pursuit of a doctoral degree in theology. I can address a related question, however, one with a more individualized focus, “Have I been committed to building upon Divine Goodness in my life while banishing darkness from it?”

A Red-Shouldered Hawk perched above Paddlewheel Drive, January 17.  Hawks are sacred to the Goddess Cybele and remind my of my commitment to living out Her love.

A Red-Shouldered Hawk perched above Paddlewheel Drive, January 17. Hawks are sacred to the Goddess Cybele and remind me of my commitment to living out Her love.

In my struggle against many sources of darkness and chaos in my life, I have long turned towards a personal Higher Power (who “could restore me to sanity”). During my childhood and adolescence, I fully embraced the personal Spirit of evangelical Christianity. Unfortunately, I encountered too many people, even friends and loved ones, who felt that the loving Spirit of the Christian faith demanded intolerance and cruelty. I started college with a strong interest and aptitude for biological sciences while my sense of alienation from the anti-intellectualism of rural Georgia Christianity intensified. My emotional state and profound loneliness went from bad to worse when I came to terms with my bisexuality. I stayed in school and finished my degrees in Biology and Math. I quite accurately assessed that there would be no place in American society to which I could relocate and be accepted. To this day, bisexual individuals are marginalized by both heterosexual or gay communities. It would be another ten years before I would realize that I was transgender.

Chattahoochee River, Island Ford Unit of Chattahoochee River National Recreation Area, February 7.

Chattahoochee River, Island Ford Unit of Chattahoochee River National Recreation Area, February 7.

Throughout my years of lostness, I felt profoundly alienated from people and their religious institutions. For a few years, I embraced atheism. Yet, out in Nature, on both the mountaintops and river valleys, I sensed the presence of a benevolent Spirit. I grew to experience this personal Higher Power as Divine Mother, One who loves me even when the Doctrinaire Christian Father fails. Though I have recently attributed Her with the name of the ancient Greco-Roman Goddess, Cybele, the Divine Feminine is quite undefinable and beyond human comprehension.

My partner, Monica, and I at Cowtippers on January 31.  We are just as in love now as when we met five years ago, yet we are both highly-assertive and quarrel often.

My partner, Monica, and I at Cowtippers on January 31. We are just as in love now as when we met five years ago, yet we are both highly-assertive and quarrel often.

Even with my growing spiritual awareness, I struggle with loneliness and a sense that no one understands me (except Divine Mother of course!). For the past few years, as my relationship with my partner, Monica, has grown. I consider her the love of my life, but I also wrestle with doubts about our compatibility. Our relationship thus parallels the dual nature of humanity, the perfection of Divine Love, and the daemon chaos.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s