For many years, I have struggled with questions such as: “Why do good people do bad things?” and “How can people who follow a loving God commit acts of cruelty?” I will not venture any answers here, for such may require my pursuit of a doctoral degree in theology. I can address a related question, however, one with a more individualized focus, “Have I been committed to building upon Divine Goodness in my life while banishing darkness from it?”
In my struggle against many sources of darkness and chaos in my life, I have long turned towards a personal Higher Power (who “could restore me to sanity”). During my childhood and adolescence, I fully embraced the personal Spirit of evangelical Christianity. Unfortunately, I encountered too many people, even friends and loved ones, who felt that the loving Spirit of the Christian faith demanded intolerance and cruelty. I started college with a strong interest and aptitude for biological sciences while my sense of alienation from the anti-intellectualism of rural Georgia Christianity intensified. My emotional state and profound loneliness went from bad to worse when I came to terms with my bisexuality. I stayed in school and finished my degrees in Biology and Math. I quite accurately assessed that there would be no place in American society to which I could relocate and be accepted. To this day, bisexual individuals are marginalized by both heterosexual or gay communities. It would be another ten years before I would realize that I was transgender.
Throughout my years of lostness, I felt profoundly alienated from people and their religious institutions. For a few years, I embraced atheism. Yet, out in Nature, on both the mountaintops and river valleys, I sensed the presence of a benevolent Spirit. I grew to experience this personal Higher Power as Divine Mother, One who loves me even when the Doctrinaire Christian Father fails. Though I have recently attributed Her with the name of the ancient Greco-Roman Goddess, Cybele, the Divine Feminine is quite undefinable and beyond human comprehension.
Even with my growing spiritual awareness, I struggle with loneliness and a sense that no one understands me (except Divine Mother of course!). For the past few years, as my relationship with my partner, Monica, has grown. I consider her the love of my life, but I also wrestle with doubts about our compatibility. Our relationship thus parallels the dual nature of humanity, the perfection of Divine Love, and the daemon chaos.