Since my early childhood, a fire of faith has burned in my heart and mind. Maybe such propensity towards belief is nothing more than a myriad of neural connections in my brain which cannot be unlinked and unlearned. Perhaps, this physical world and all living things upon it came into being on their own and nothing transcending the physical actually exists. Yet, my longing for love and connection drives my hopes and sense of purpose towards Divine Mother nearly every hour of each day. I believe in a Divine Father and I believe in the Divinity of Christ. Nonetheless, I experience the Divine Mystery as a Feminine presence, much like when I visit my earthly mother or my sisters.
Aside from visiting my mom on Mother’s Day, I also went to see her this past weekend, May 24. She was uneasy about a vein surgery scheduled for the following week. As has always been her mode of coping with stressful situations, she took me aside to pray with me. She also asked me if I believe that Jesus’ blood covers my sins and that I will go to heaven when I die. Incidentally, just this evening during my jog, an adorable young woman from Harvest World Church stopped her car to tell me that Jesus loves me and asked me if I have a personal relationship with Christ. In both situations, I regret that I could not open up about my experience-based faith in the Goddess. While my mom already knows about my “odd” spirituality, I was more reluctant to mention my faith to the woman on my jog whom I’ve never seen before. My faith in the Goddess is tied to my Transgender identity and I do not always feel safe revealing either to complete strangers. Divine Mother, whom I often equate with Cybele of the pre-Christian world, is ever present in my life and I’m not sure if I can easily explain this to my Evangelical family and neighbors who have soundbites ready on their lips. Art, music, and poetry all seem to be more appropriate means of presenting the Divine Feminine, rather than casual conversations which can too easily degenerate into confrontational debate.
I am not being dishonest to say that I believe in Christ – for I consider myself bound to His teachings from the New Testament. I accept Christ as a King and lawgiver, even though I do not experience His direct Presence in my life. Yet, I’ve experienced Mistress Cybele or Unnamed Divine Mother every day of my life for almost the past twenty years. I do not identify as pagan; my experience of the Divine as female should not compell me to self-identify as pagan. My spiritual walk is much like a mediaeval romance. Like a knight, I am sworn to serve my Lady-Love, the Goddess. Also like a knight, I am bound to the laws of my king, Christ.